Was It All Just Talk Last Post

Did I Really Mean What I Said In My Last Post? Holding Myself Accountable

Literally, 19 minutes ago, I ended a meeting with my fellow staff members at my school regarding white supremacy culture. I did not realize just how much of the things that were discussed resonated with me. Sometimes we can suppress our emotions and memories for so long that we do not even realize that they are still in the storage room of our hearts; waiting to be sorted out, cleaned out, and examined. Before the meeting, I would have sworn up and down that I did not fall into the category of those who deny their experiences in regards to racism and colorism. But now that I am replaying my actions and my thoughts in my head, I may just have to rethink where I say that I stand. I thought that I was so self aware. While it is true that I am the most self aware that I have ever been, I now realize that I am still not fully self aware. It's easier to not think about race consciously. However, I still think about it subconsciously. I still found myself during the video meeting comparing myself to other black women lighter than me or with clearer skin than me, or with more European features saying to myself, "Wow, she's beautiful" I need to "fix" myself up. But what needs to be fixed? That is simply me in my natural state. Can I truly learn to love myself if I don't learn how to love myself in my natural state? In my natural skin? This is heavy for me. 

There was also a moment where I noticed that I still struggled with using my voice. I wanted to make a comment and was afraid that I would sound stupid. Therefore, I deleted my comment before even posting it in the chat. A few minutes later, someone posted the same exact comment, word for word. At that point, I could only second what was said. While, seconding someone is not an issue, because I don't always have to be first, never daring to be first is an issue. Who said that I did not have the right to speak my mind? Who said that I did not have the right to be first? Who told me that I have the right to be silent even in safe spaces or in spaces where my voice is needed. Who said that I belong in the back? It doesn't matter who said it quite frankly. What matters is that it isn't true. None of it is true. I am a daughter of the King, which means I am a princess and princesses never stay in the back. This does not mean that humility should be thrown away, it just means that the spirit of fear should. Not speaking what was on my heart in that meeting and not sharing my thoughts was a way of counting myself out before anyone else could. It was an act  of internalized rejection. I have a lot of self examination to do.

Thank you for reading my sweetheart. God bless you!

Danielle 

What are your thoughts?