When We Become Our Own Enemies
I realized today that I had made a mistake. When I realized this, so many thoughts filled my mind. Almost all of them were negative. “How could I make such a mistake? Where was my head? Why did I not realize this before?” Then worse thoughts began to arise. “How could I be so stupid? I am angry with myself!” I did not think to comfort myself with positive thoughts. Not once. Then God spoke to me and told me that I was chasing perfectionism and needed to stop. I didn’t believe that I was doing this because of my views on perfectionism. “How could I be a perfectionist if I keep messing up and not doing things properly?” I thought to myself. I caught myself arguing with God about this. “I don’t think I am wrestling with perfectionism.” The audacity. For a split second I forgot that God knew my soul better than me and could see my soul far better than I can. I humbled myself and submitted and became open to listening to Him. I was fighting my tears back and I did it well until… Well, we’ll get to that part later on in this article.
God started to show me that I was, in a sense, thinking that I was better than Him. How so? God told me that He has given me grace. Yet, I refused to give grace to myself. Who am I to decide that I know better than God and hold myself to a “higher standard” than God does when I am wrapped in flesh and He is the most high and wisest God who knows the in and out of my heart and soul? I started to see what God was seeing. However, I had successfully gaslighted myself into the thinking that I may not have heard from God and instead, may have been trying to find a way to get myself off of the hook. I believed that this could have just been my voice and I was disguising it as God’s voice. I followed the instructions that I believed God was telling me to follow, which was to give grace. Give grace to myself and the team that I am currently working with for a project that we are working on. I then prayed for confirmation that God was actually telling me to do this.
Later on, someone saw the look on my face and asked me if I was okay. I could not hold back the tears any longer. I broke down crying and told her that I had made a mistake. She then consoled me and said to me, “You’re doing your best. Give yourself grace.” I dried my eyes and then heard God ask me “Is that enough confirmation for you?” I needed that moment more than I realized. I thanked her for taking the time to comfort me. I thanked God for taking the time to comfort me as well. But to be very honest and transparent with anyone who is reading this, I still feel uncomfortable about receiving grace as well as giving grace to myself. I did not realize how much I struggled in this area.
God ministered to me and told me that I was taught how to think this way. I was taught by my enemies that I grew up around. You see, your enemies can be your family members, friends, authoritative figures in your life, and even strangers. They may not be enemies intentionally or your personal enemies. But they can be enemies to your assignment and purpose. Many of them may just be bleeding from their unresolved trauma wounds. So, when they bleed on you, they are not doing it purposefully. They are just bleeding out and because you are close by, their blood gets on you. Just as blood carries a lot of pathogens that can be contagious and the carrier may or may not be aware of this. The same thing happens spiritually in regards to the demons that people may be carrying. They are contagious and can contaminate your spirit. Apparently, I have learned from my enemies far too well. The negative thoughts that I had earlier were not originally my thoughts. They were the things that my enemies said to me whenever I would make a mistake. My mind just simply regurgitated those negative thoughts when I was triggered by a similar situation. It is okay, I am human, and I will make mistakes. Mistakes are allowed. I just have to learn the lessons from them. I have learned several lessons today. I may even do a podcast episode about this. I just want to leave you with this last though. Receive God’s grace and give grace to yourself and others. It is truly the Godly and biblical thing to do.
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